UPDATE: No I don’t think this is ‘totally random’

Following a surprisingly effusive response to a previous blog, a colleague directed me to the following article on the BBC website, asking for my input:

Leicester City Council ‘not ready’ for zombie attack

He no doubt thought I would be amused by the story, or at least heartened at finding a kindred spirit. He could not have been more wrong. I have nothing but disdain for the unnamed petitioner of the article. If anything, the “Concerned Citizen” has muddied the waters which I have spent many years attempting to decontaminate.

The letter speaks of a need for “councils throughout the kingdom” to prepare for a zombie invasion. There are two major problems with this argument:

i) The zombie virus is transmitted by a variety of methods – it could arrive in a region through an infected wild animal; a research sample thoughtlessly released by an anti-vivisectionist; ill advised exotic dining… However, outside of a major collaborative effort facilitated by the splicing of their genes with those of ants, it is highly unlikely that the zombies would stage an “invasion”.

The classic zombie holocaust takes the form of an insurrection. The undead are the ultimate “enemy within”, rising from their graves and later converting right-thinking but ill-prepared citizens to their fellowship.

ii) Whilst in virtually every other situation I support self-determination and virulent libertarianism, the potential usurpation of the human race by zombies cannot be dealt with appropriately by the piecemeal efforts of outmoded parochial institutions.

As I have pointed out in countless proposals and one employment tribunal, the noble isles of the North East Atlantic are uniquely positioned to deal with a worldwide zombie insurrection. With fertile soils and unostentatious climate, humanity’s core could sit out the uprising in Britain, Ireland, Iceland, The Hebrides, The Shetlands, Rockall and, to a lesser extent, The Isle of Mann.

It would, however, likely be necessary to use The Channel Isles as a buffer against any potential (albeit unlikely) organised invasion. This approach is not without precedent, and doubtless, come the end of the blockade, the few Channel Islanders who survived the relentless onslaught and witnessed the undead feasting lustily on the grey matter of their loved ones would accept this crucial tactical measure. The Channel Isles could also function as a prison/labour camp for any exiles from The Protected Lands, providing a ready supply of tomatoes and over-priced dairy goods.

Not that bad, really.


But what of “the enemy within”? I hear those intelligent enough to remember the opening paragraphs of this missive asking. Quite simple, the absolutist leader of The Protected Lands and his peculiarly brutal puppet stewards would follow a zero tolerance policy.

The first sign of zombie characteristics (sluggishness; lack of foresight; sitting blankly on public transport, not even attempting to read a book or engage with a travelling companion) would result in a trip to one of the “processing units” where The Accused’s level of infection would be measured and their fate decided accordingly:

Definitely a Zombie:
Immediate liquidation (literal) – the zombie is minced and then compressed for use as a fuel/energy source for the rightful inhabitants of The Protected Lands. Care should be taken that the fuel of the liquid undead is not used in food preparation to avoid accidental transmission.

Definitely Not a Zombie:
The Accused should be considered a Threat to Society, and a potential future collaborator. Permanent confinement to The Channel Isles would be a permissible sentence for non-belligerent first offenders and those with horticultural skills.

Potentially a Zombie:
There is no room for uncertainty. The woolly ambiguities of our present age would have no place in the siege environment. If capable of speech, The Accused would be given a choice – immediate liquidation, or The Alternative.

Welcome to Harwich

The Alternative would see The Accused flung by trebuchet from Dover (or Harwich, depending on the infestation clusters on the continent) to mainland Europe to face Our Second Greatest Enemy*, whom they so readily mimicked. The Accused would be armed with whatever they could carry following a 15-minute trolley-dash round Homebase. Their ensuing futile attempts at survival would then be broadcast live across The Protected Lands to slake the thirst of the masses for sensory diversion.**

Obviously we are talking only in hypotheticals, at present, but it is very clear that “Concerned Citizen” and his fellow apocalyptic dilettantes (none more so than “Ed Thurlow, who runs zombie website Terror4Fun”) have no understanding of the need for pan-national coordination of efforts against an undead onslaught. I for one look forward to watching their vain efforts to fortify their respective fiefdoms against the lumbering wave.

However, my greatest opprobrium is saved, not for the idiotic dabblers, but for the state-sponsored outlet which considers such ill-thought hectoring newsworthy. This outmoded Leftist edifice would be the first casualty of the new order in the Protected Lands. In spite of its current dog-whistle control over every blinkered hummus-scoffer “manning” the levers of government, this obsolete institution would have no role in hardening the public against the hideous realities of day-to-day life in a siege.

In short, this nonsense is indicative of the greater “dumbing down” of internet reportage, which is holding us back from finding creative approaches to impending traumatic events. I feel the blame for this decline lies squarely at the pedicured, subsidised feet of the BBC.

* Our Greatest Enemy, would of course be Dissent; Third – Complacency; Fourth – Zombie Sea Lions; Fifth – Complacency about Zombie Sea Lions.
** Of course no wise autocrat would engage in such cumbersome justice solely to entertain the lumpen populace. The regular delivery of still-wriggling near-humans to the expectant zombies could encourage them to perceive the inhabitants of The Protected Lands as gods, or near gods. Alongside intensive behavioural research, this could help support the future order in which the remaining undead perform indentured agricultural labour in Southern Europe, to provide sustenance for their human overlords. I must confess a debt to Mr P K Dick for alerting me to the similar Atlantropa concept in his excellent novel The Man in the High Castle.