The Zombies Are Here

The news is being reported all over the blogosphere. The zombie holocaust has begun.

It began with a naked bloke in Miami eating the face off another bloke. It continued with a guy in Maryland eating the heart and brain of another guy.

Now a sceptic might ask that, as both of these events occurred in America, might this not be less of a zombie holocaust, and more of a natural progression of a culture based entirely upon worship of slaughter and violence?

I admit I momentarily entertained that notion following my perusal of the above articles, but after examining some of the specific details (the growling of the Miami cannibal and his imperviousness to bullets; the decision to eat the brain of his victim by the Maryland cannibal), I concluded that yes – the zombie insurrection is indeed here.

Many of you will deny that this is true. “Two separate and barely-related incidents a zombie holocaust do not make”, you whine. And in some ways, I can understand such foolishness.

What we know about the characteristics of the spread of a zombie apocalypse come chiefly from films made before the advent of instant media. In these films the zombie infection spreads more quickly than the accompanying news of its spread – details are always vague, as media equipment is bulky and cumbersome; reporters are often killed before they can report the story; and news vans are trapped en route to location, their passengers torn to shreds, snake-like entrails being ripped from their bellies whilst they are still alive and screaming.  When the protagonists of such films finally realise that the zombie holocaust is underway, it is already in full swing.

But today we live in a (relatively) technologically-advanced world obsessed with instant media. Any notable event is observed, processed and shared within the blink of an eye. When a drunken celebrity falls out of a limousine, her splayed legs kicking her skirt open and revealing the impression of her “parts” against her light cotton briefs,  the image is smeared across the entire internet in about eleven seconds.  Nerd-boys in somewhere shit like Milton Keynes are intimately familiar with the biography of the latest American spree-killer before the perpetrator’s own family is even aware that he went mental and shot a load of kids.

In the current situation, this instant media infrastructure has ensured that we are aware of the spread of the zombie holocaust in real-time. For us there will be no oblivious walks down our front paths in the morning only to look up and see the neighbourhood on fire and corpses strewn all around, the startling discovery immediately followed by an attack from the next-door neighbour, his once-familiar  face transformed by unfocused eyes, bloody teeth and a curious head-wound, as he moans longingly for our brains.

Why this zombie holocaust has happened now remains to be discovered. I note that the Miami attacker was thought to be on drugs when he feasted on the visage of the wretched derelict. Perhaps this is more of an attack by the “infected” style of zombie (e.g. 28 days later, Left 4 Dead, etc.) rather than the traditional “paranormal” style of zombie (Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead, etc.)  Whatever the reason, we’d better all sit up and take note.

The next few weeks will likely prove tough as the zombie holocaust spreads inexorably across the lands.  However there are some aspects of this situation that should prove advantageous to us in our attempts to stay alive.

Firstly, instant media means we will be acutely aware of the spread – and we can also identify exactly who is a potential host of the zombie pathogen.  As a matter of best practice, we should “tie together any loose ends” (if you get my meaning). I feel very bad for the poor homeless guy, struggling in a critical condition in hospital minus a face, but we need to be selfish here. Let us also remember the cops who visited the crime scenes, the medical staff who treated the attackers and victims, and all of their respective friends and families. We need to be thorough here and try to nip this in the bud.

Secondly, the early outbreak seems to be confined to North America. Hopefully we have a significant grace period wherein we can prepare ourselves for the onslaught. Zombies do not swim, nor can they typically pilot transatlantic aircraft – but they will find a way.  Again, for best practice, we should set up isolation/decontamination facilities at all UK locations where there is an ingress of Americans. I imagine that building restaurants offering abundant, low-nutrient junk food within these facilities will result in many Americans moving in voluntarily.

US Immigrant Holding Facility #324

Make no mistake, though. The Zombies will get here eventually.

As a libertarian-survivalist, I am well prepared for this event.  Sure, I have mainly been preparing to survive the inevitable collapse of civilisation brought about by short-sighted liberal tolerance of Islamic fundamentalists (or as I call them, Tusken Raiders*) and the breakdown of the traditional family unit into weird posses of transsexuals and multiple fathers – but the basic skills I have mastered will serve me equally well in a zombie holocaust.

Though I don’t own a firearm (civilian gun ownership is illegal in my country; the preserve of acronymous bands of patriotic drug dealers donning balaclavas or berets), I know somewhere I can obtain one; secret knowledge I gleaned as a youth from an elderly (and, it must be said, somewhat malodorous) sage of the woods. I have indicated this location on an ordnance survey map and stashed it in my Bug-Out Bag.  As soon as the inevitable orgy of looting and rapine begins in the gulf of marshal control that heralds a zombie insurrection, I will bug the fuck out of Dodge (well, Carrickfergus), stopping only to retrieve the aforementioned firearm from the aforehinted secret location.

I hope a sawed-off pump-action shotgun awaits me in that clandestine forest arsenal. Everyone knows a sawed-off does the trick nicely on the Undead, a headshot totally annihilating the target’s brain and covering everyone in the immediate vicinity with a gloopy stew of brain fragments and rotten jawbone. If a zombie catches a shotgun shell, that ugly mother is going down, I don’t care what anyone says. Though I would be disappointed, finding say an Uzi would not be too bad, particularly if I am faced with multiple converging opponents. In such a scenario I would aim chiefly at the knees, firing in bursts. A kneecapped zombie will not desist in its attempts to eat my face off, however it will be much slower in the attempt.  Once it is crawling towards me, rather than shuffling, I can finish it off in any number of ways (throwing a rock on its head, sticking a sharpened stick through its earholes, pouring acid all over it, etc.)

I am perhaps 95% prepared for the upcoming struggle with the Undead. Are you? Are you anywhere near that figure?

You should be. You cannot say you were not warned, when you go moaning to the Government for help, as usual.


*I think the analogy is apt. Tusken Raiders are desert-based, belligerent and tribal. They are hostile to anyone or anything different. They refuse to integrate with the majority culture and uphold weird traditional customs. They also cover up their women.