Thorin Joke-enshield: The Hobbit trailer reviewed

I should begin this piece with an apology.

The trailer for the upcoming Peter Jackson film, The Hobbit, was released weeks ago.  It has been and gone.  Critics have reviewed it – offering up their predictable and (some might say) banal opinions – and fanboys have drooled all over it, their Pepsi-rich saliva dissolving parts of it, like nerdy versions of the Alien.  Yet still Johnny Fisher has not commented on it.  As a prominent Tolkien expert, this represents a grievous professional shortcoming on my part, and I therefore offer up the necessary apologies:

Sorry for not reviewing the trailer for The Hobbit.

Read more “Thorin Joke-enshield: The Hobbit trailer reviewed”

Response to “Quads”

This is a personal response to a recent post by my esteemed colleague I_PWN_YER_MA_84.

Using my extraordinary powers of image manipulation, I have designed a film poster that, I hope, will provide momentum for PWN’s “Quads” project, giving vision for an ambitious director/producer partnership to take the idea into production.

Read more “Response to “Quads””

The Awesomeness of ASCII

I dislike the adjective awesome, and I generally refrain from using it.

When I hear it, the word brings to mind a vivid image – namely, dreadlocked Australians standing around on an extraordinarily hot beach, drinking tasteless lager out of diminutive bottles whilst cradling surfboards and attesting to their particular levels of stoked-ness at some singularly uninteresting event or achievement.

There is not a single element within that vision that does not give me the creeps, and I therefore have tried to avoid experiencing it by dropping the word awesome from my vocabulary.

Read more “The Awesomeness of ASCII”

What’s in a logo?

It is one of the cruel realities of this world that I do not have access to the finest abacuses of ancient Persia.

The beautiful counting frames of the Achaemenids, once installed in plush palaces o’erlooking the sun-drenched gardens of Pasargadae and Persepolis, are lost to time and beyond my grasp.  It pains me to admit that I shall ne’er sit astride an ancient abacus of Susa, gem of the Zagros Mountains, tallying up catch reports from dusty fishers on the Tigris.

Had I access to such primitive but meticulous counting machines – were I free to slide their ruby beads along cylindrical tracks into handy conglomerations – then I might have a chance of keeping count of the number of times I have been asked to explain the meaning of the coat-of-arms of the Fisherians.

Read more “What’s in a logo?”

Attention Film Industry – Greatness is Upon You

A few years ago I found myself engaged in conversation with a mid-level film producer whilst waiting for a train. As we stood on the platform, he enquired, possibly simply out of politeness, whether I had any good ideas for films (though the fact he waited so long to broach such an obvious topic would seem to indicate genuine interest spurred by some element in our conversation prior to that point which had enabled him to identify me as a formidable creative force.)

Read more “Attention Film Industry – Greatness is Upon You”